You know what it's like. Every so often you read this community, sigh wistfully, and wonder what went wrong with such a promising world. (World, -not- character). Then you decide it's too damn many things to list, it goes by he name 'Anita', and go and console yourself with an author who knows what a copy-editor is for, and doesn't think that abuse and thoroughly uninteresting sex = characterisation. Most of my gripes have been dissected and snarked at here by far better than me, but what can I say? Warning: Lengthy rant ahead!


It has dawned on me, (bear with me, I'm slow sometimes), that lkh has not one, but two ways to make Anita Necromancer-Bitch-Queen of the World. The first is the obvious: the tedious appearance of super-duper-OMG-miraculous new abilities that kick the baddies arses without breaking a metaphorical sweat. Cue the sex-fu.

The second is, if possible, even more annoying. She makes the bad guys complete prats. (She also tries to make anyone who disagrees with Anita even more unlikable than she is, which is quite a trick, but that's a whole other rant.)

I mean, Anne Rice rip-off aside, I liked Nikolaos. There was, if not actual scariness, then scare potential. And back then it was clear that she would have -owned- Anita... if she hadn't splashed out on a ruthless-vampire-common-sense-lobotomy the week before. Anyone else remember when 1000 year old vampires were scary to Anita? (Not, 'Oh god, not -another- one...' -yawns-) When she only had 'partial' immunity to vampire mind juju, stubborness, animator-vibes, her gun and Sigmund to fall back on? . When Jean Claude was a devious, manipulative son-of-a-bitch with a spine? -sighs- I digress.

My point - and there was one, I promise - was that Anita didn't win by any virtue of hers. She survived because Nikolaos magically forgot how she'd survived this long and -let her go-. Uh-huh. And the explanation we're given is 'to prove she is the master of all and Jean-Claude is the master of none,' or some such bullshit. Yeah, I tell ya what would be a real good way of proving that? Turning her. Killing her. Whatever. Then bitch-slapping the pretty boy all over the shop, posting it on youtube, then putting his head on a spike at the door. (For illustrative purposes, I refer anyone who hasn't already read it to dwg's awesome 'Five ways that Anita didn't kill Nikolaos...' fic on killherdarlings. It rocks.)

I refuse to even try to unravel the bloody Harlequin. Didn't read the book, don't care. But what she's done to the Vampire Council makes me want to cringe and find something to beat my head against. These people are supposed to be teh SCARY, the powerful, the monster's boogeymen. How the hell can there be any dramatic tension if you -know- the bad guys will make lame-arse mistakes, or convieniently forget about the one scary power they have that might trouble the almighty triumvirate? (Mr Oliver agreeing not to cause earthquakes in CoD because... ‘they have agreed to limit their powers’ – if you'll pardon my paraphrasing. Puh-lease.), For that matter, how come the Council didn't smack them down the instant they figured out that the loose-cannon necromancer wasn't controlled by her master? Amazing how we discovered new 'rules' of vampire politics that didn't let them do that...

I have this mental image of the Council sitting around in supporting-character-limbo, waiting for the 'Quick, somebody 'attack' Anita and/or her hisem in a way that will be easily defeated by a bad sort-of-sex scene!' alarm to ring. Padma escapes on the grounds of having no nifty long distance mental powers, and having lost all dignity to Anita already. Mr Oliver rejoices at the fact that he has already gone the way of the dodo, and can't be made any less scary than losing to JC and a flunky's human servant has already done. Morte d'Amour sends out more rotting vampires to bother everybody and prays he stays unknown. The Dragon wishes she could go back to being unknown and wonders what she did wrong. The Traveller gloats because nobody knows what he looks like -and- he is established as the only council member that is slightly sane on occasion. So Belle Morte and the Mother of All Darkity-Darkness, (who has been so thoroughly neutered that chloroform and amateur surgery must have been involved) play rock paper scissors to see who’s battered mojo takes another beating. And every time they make another pathetic attempt, their Ominous Quotient goes down even bloody further.

Forget the interesting rotting vampires, in lkh's little world the vampire's alternate form is an idiot

Alright. First off, I ramble, and my sentence structure and grammar can be idiosyncratic at best. I apologise in advance. But someone (and yes, all my English teachers are screaming at starting a sentence with 'but'..), for the love of something -tell- me if I start committing the depths of language abuse She Who Must Be Snarked At inflicts on the unsuspecting.

Second off, thank you! (For existing, for laugh-out-loud snark-fests... take your pick)

-clears throat-

Been reading through the archives and whatnot, (assuming you count 'cackling in a manner that means I must read these by myself, saying "so true!" a lot', as reading), and now I have various plot bunnies running round my head.

For example... what if, Team Evil Bitch (currently jointly 'led' by Andais and Belle Morte, beating off the challenges of Seraphina, Nikolaos and Raina by virtue of still being alive after their encounters with the Almighty Anita and Merry Sue. The Mother of Darkness technically casts the deciding vote when she can be arsed to wake up. Itzpapalotl is team mascot/comic relief since she's still 'alive' but is damn near as deluded as Slut!Anita.), joined up with Team Emasculated (the list is endless...) to form Team Die Anita/Merry Now.

They hatch a plot to kill the offenders by robbing them of their infinitely respawnable (and indeed interchangable) protectors. Or at least they would be protectors if they hadn't been replaced by their spineless evil twins and said offenders didn't spawn a Power of the Month (produce a fancy never-before-seen ability in time to save your life or your money back!!) on a whim.

So.. Team DA/MN gradually poach the evil-twin men from Anita/Merry, kill them off, and replace them with their counterpart with guts, brains and an actual character. The combined resources of the two teams have produced the Anti Anita/Merry Effect, which prevents the new and improved men from being sucked into the Crotch of Doom. (Apologies to whomever I nicked that so-accurate phrase from).

They settle the ensuing battle royale about who actually gets to kill the blight on their respective universes, by hiring the Real Edward, summoning the Sluagh, bringing popcorn and selling seats at utterly extortionate prices.

And then they realise that since the laws of physics (or at least Good Writing) are suspended around those two, they can bring them back to life and -everyone- can take a turn! Points are awarded for duration, inventiveness and viciousness. Anyone who can make them admit that they're nothing more than not-at-all disguised author avatars automatically wins that round.

-stops and rereads- I need help...